Hellooo, Abi here, I’m back, it’s been a while and I’m not feeling fully recovered but is alrightt. So what did you miss? what happened?
Beggining: I need to translate all of my thoughts from spanish to english, I’ve never been good redacting neither expressing with words how I’m feeling. A lo happened inside of me, and not much at the same time. I don’t know when was the last time I properly wrote something, I’m guessing maybe 2 months ago? Okay so in my attempt to explain a bit, aaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh, where do I start? I’m talking a lot and saying nothing I feel. These past few months I’ve experienced a lot of changes (Loki probably as well, but I won’t talk in his behalf) Sometimes I forget that I’m autistic and like it or not, as good as I am to adapt to new things, it makes me emotionally really unstable. The time is getting longer and longer, apart from missing Loki because of the distance I started to miss him more when (spoiler) he adopted his new puppy, Dash. She is absolutely gorgeous, amazing, super clever and I can´t be happier for both of them to find each other (okay I’m not gonna go deeper into this, I could compliment them all day) When he did adopted Dash, suddenly everything changed, I guess that step that he’s been postponing for so long made me feel happy (cuz he did what he said he was gonna do) but at the same time nervous, is all moving so fast yet so slow, I’m not sure how to live in the moment cuz when I do I start missing him so much, but I know that if I don’t live in the present I won’t be able to come back to this moments of my life with the people I am today surrounded by. I’m happy, excited, anxious, nervous, etc. From one side all of this was the beggining but not the whole point. I had a fight with my dad, I started working, my family house is gonna be sold, plus all the other extra things that happen in my everyday life, and so as I was relying on Loki for so long, I made the mistake of trying to rely on him even if he now had more responsibilities with Dass, less time, and less energy. I let all of this affect me becase I always beieve that I can go througgh everything, and I don’t think I’m wrong on that, just not at the same time. We had an argument ad honestly made me feel so bad, is the beginning of reality, it could’ve been worst, it could’ve lasted longer, but I don’t really care about those things, I know we’re never gonna be perfect but we’re gonna need to learn how to deal with suff without arguing.
Realization: After a lot of thinking and rethinking I came to so many conclusions, and I wont talk about every single one, now more than ever I feel like I have some serious stuff to deal with in therapy sessions.
Background: What is it like to feel real, pure and healthy love for the first time? I’m not talking about him, This might be his first time feeling this kind of love but in some kind of way it is for me too. I’m too messed up, from the beginning I had 1of those words in my previous romantic relationships. I sometimes think, unlearn is harder than learning, cuz you don’t only have to build new walls but also break old patterns and foundations. Is never gonna be an excuse to me ”I´m to traumatized by past relationships”, is hard, but I finally found the real love of my life, is gonna take some time to break old patterns and build new foundations to have stable floor. he first step is always know where I’m standing, and right now I’m in the middle of old debris trying to build. I think is time for me to start sweeping the floor in order to see where is best to start building.